several times i've tried to be strong enough. but i cant. last night i broke down. because i'm alone. all i've been doing is listening to radiohead until my ears bleed, wishing i was away from this place. it chokes me. i cant stay here anymore, i want to be an adult. i want to be seen. but i'm scared.
kind of giving up on this website, i dont want to though. i'm going to keep trying even tho its shitty. i'll get better though. thom yorke came out with a new album today, i'm gonna wait to listen to it b/c im that kinda chick. i'm moving as well. everthing is very stressful right now, too much to think about, for such tiny brain. trying to overcome everything at the moment, im trying to save myself from the paranoia.
recently i broke off a friendship with someone who i was very close with. i feel like this situation should make me feel angry but i'm not. i'm kind of numb to it really. even though i shouldn't be. it sort of feels like dejavu, because i'v had many other people do this to me. leaving me to the side. i feel disposeable.
in other other news....
i've been writing a bunch of music lately, and i haven't found it to be shit yet. kaki king's song goby has been on loop here. i don't know if i'll post lyrics here anytime soon but, i do have some suggestions for whoever is readingx
banquet- bloc party
obstacle 1- interpol
jail la la- dumdumgirls
surfing the warm industry- kashmir
well, a lot of horrible things have been happening lately, but alot of beautiful things as well. i really hope i make it out this one alive, i want to.
what am i going to do. somehow there's this impending fear about leaving home & going to college. i am on the seams of being excited & being scared out of my mind. in freshman & sophomore year i completely & utterly slacked off. sometimes i feel like i needed it, in sophomore year i had a suicide attempt that led me into almost being hospitalized, and having to be in therapy. using that year to slack off wasn't great academically, but it was great mentally, i regained the will to live, i regained my strength and trust in God. this year however, i'm seriously working my ass off to reach my academic potential. i spent 13 hours painting a family tree. i get 4 hours of sleep because i'm writing an essay. and hopefully it'll pay off.
my dream college. if i were to get into nyu i'd get extremely happy & terrified. i've wanted to live in ny ever since i visited about 4 years ago. but living in such a big city terrifies me socially.
another college that i've falled in love with, my sister goes there & my dad is an alumni. it's about 30 minutes from where i live & i have recently fallen in love with philly. i've lived outside of philly for 11 years(i can see the skyline from my house.) but i've never really visted the city much besides doctors appointments. the past year i've been going there alot and i'm in love with it. i'll probably end up living here after college.
so far i only have 2 colleges that i'm seriously interested in, hopefully i can add a lot more to this list.
i went to this party, and i was trying to pretend to have a great time, while in the back of my head i had just tried to kill myself the night before.nowadays i really feel myself drifting away from people & it's my own fault, there something wrong with me. there's just something about me that i hate & other people see it too. but anyways happy new decade, i pray it's great.
i've been angrier lately. unlike myself. i've been shutting down, i'm afraid. i've been drinking more, it makes me laugh. there was this one time i felt a rush of sadness and regret, and i thout mysef. this is what an angry drunk is.